A child's mindless rattle

A tooth-less rattle

Monday, September 19, 2005
11:54 AM

I was told that I'm a spoilt brat last night.

No, I wasn't offended.

It could be because she told me gently, but it's definitely not the first time I'm hearing it. I remembered someone saying the same thing about me before, and together with it she said I too nice a daughter for my mom to step all over me. Amazingly then, everyone said I should 'rebel' a little and not be a goody-two-shoe.

What happened to me?

I've lost myself, found myself, but I left this part out? Around her I'm starting to feel inferior. Not that I'm lacking in qualifications and materialistic stuff, it's something worse. Towards family, I can't find the right way to express myself anymore. Maybe it's the constant disapproval she has over me.

'You can't wear that', 'you're not driving carefully', 'what's the big deal with school and work', 'why are you not saving money?', 'Are you wasting all your money on pearl?', 'she needs a proper future. What can you give?', 'your hair's too short', 'you're coming home too late', 'your bag's dirty, wash them!', 'you never bother to help', 'it's your fault that they turned crked'

Yes, she talks to me everyday about these stuff, and it makes me want to shut her out. I suppose that is why I rather retreat into my small little corner and not bother 'socializing' with her. The more she talks, the further I go. The further I am, the harder it is to show affections.

Been smoking a lot these days. It's becoming an addiction. My short fuse can be attributed to ciggies. There are days I'll rush through my chores just to go out earlier for a smoke. It's no good, and I'm thinking of leading a healthy lifestyle for this coming month or so.

I had a fantastic lantern day celebration yesterday. The irony is, there's no round moon in the sky last night. Nevertheless, everything went well and I had fun. Plans for Candy and Pearl's brithday are finally settled. I'm looking forward to it.

Yesterday we were lazing at home. It sure feels like we're married. Again, like ying and yang, if there's something good, there's something else to balance it up. We talked about turning str8, getting married to men, etc. It's good we don't avoid talking about it, but it sure doesn't feel good. The truth does hurt, and sometimes, it's not easy picturing her with someone else. Pain, no matter how well you're prepared for it, can still sting and leave behind a lingering dull ache. Maybe that's why I needed a dosage of love last night before heading to bed.

I'm such a baby. -sigh-

If you look far enough, you'll see me reaching out for you.

The End!